Riding the midmorning train

The Second Class scrunch

Traveling in Mumbai local trains is an experience every mumbaikar has to go through. Right from the time you start attending college in a totally different part of Bombay than the one u live in to the time you have to travel to work every day each sojourn brings a different experience. There is something very weird about not being able to attend college in the same suburb or the same municipal ward (think thats the first time this word has been used by anyone outside the third standard geography text book) for that matter than where you stay.  This unwritten rule of growing up in Mumbai makes us go through this rite of passage where a little school kid growing up in some small suburb all of a sudden enlarges his area of coverage ten fold once he or she gets to college and has the revered three months student discount pass. Well, enough dawdling with the introduction. Dirty habit imbibed by writing too many essays based on the SSC format.

Getting back to the topic of hand, what is the second class scrunch, simply put this is really a set of transactions that take place when you are trying to seat half your ass on a seat where there are already three people sitting on the wooden bench in a second class compartment on a fine Monday  and look at the stencil painted sign that says "To seat 55" and give a slight smirk.

There are three categories of people who can collectively be called the second class scrunchers. Each category has to analyzed carefully if you have to get a seat especially if you are trying to make the arduous journey from any station to any other station during not so peak hrs. Getting a seat during peak hrs is probably the 

most difficult thing to do in good old mumbai. I would even go so far as to put it in the same league as getting a domicile certificate from some government entity called a Tehisildar.

Coming back to the topic at hand, the three people we are really interested in are

The pseudo accommodator ,The infamous snail man and The stubborn oaf.

The person " pseudo accommodator ", also goes by a few other names, "the fake jiggler" and "inertial base station" to name a few. So what exactly is the pseudo accommodator. This is probably the only set of people who can actually count in nano centimeters. A usual conversation between you and him will go something like this.

You: "Boss thoda  hilna" (please move a little)

He: "Haan" (Yes with a very enthusiastic nod)

And this is where he will wiggle or jiggle and move exactly a couple of angstroms and if you lucky as much as six nano centimeters and put on this "I am Karna.. you ask I give" face. This is a situation which will really test your experience as far as traveling  in second class is concerned. If you follow the great sanskrit saying "Nirlajaam Sada sukhi" then you will grab that precious bit of ass estate and not only put part of you own ass but be able to apply all the squatters laws of physics and occupy atleast a couple of inches in the next ten minutes or so.

The snail man is essentially not an entire class but more of a sub class of the "pseudo accommodator" the primary difference being the time he will take to actually even make the attempt to give you some space. Also the most important difference between the two is whereas the pseudo accommodator as the name suggests is very accommodating in demeanor, this guy will be what we can call in simple bambaiya "Saalaa Khaduus". He will distort his face to such a degree at the same time positioning his body in such a way that if you not experienced enough he will almost make you feel guilty for asking him space with his body language.

The simplest way to deal with such people is to ignore them. Stand firm and give him the same "Saala Khaduus" look back. That way you are not only assured a place to sit but also some warped sardonic sense of satisfaction as well.

The last category is for lack of better words called the stubborn oaf. This is the category which can be most difficult to deal with, is the kind which for some reason will not only acknowledge your repeated requests to shift but will be totally nonchalant towards your existence. They will be a class A "Saalaa Khaduus" guys and can also be referred to with some other choicest of words that I cant elaborate on here. These guys will act as if you don't exist on the same space time continuum as them. The simple way to deal with them is the shoulder tap. In my years of experience and definitive research on this subject this has shown to have the most wonderful effects on them. All of a sudden they will break out of their cerebral rumination and shift as much as the " pseudo accommodator ". Sometimes though they turn in the snail men or sometimes they will just mumble something in incomprehensibilis. This situation needs a little more tact as u will have to use every know trick know to the train travelling Mumbaikar from pure haggling in a very harsh commanding tone to the very morose "I have to travel 16 stations". Sometimes this does not work as well. In such situations rather than getting into a fight, just stand very near him and keep on butting him with your knee all the while keeping a monologue in incomprehensibilis with an extremely frustrated face. Believe me this will break his will and you will be able to get a seat or a black eye.

Guess armed with this wonderful knowledge, you will be able to make your journey a lot more comfortable and if you do get a black eye there is not much to see in a train anyway.